Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Bachelorette Finale

Ashley's Suitors Meet the Fam...

ASHLEY HEBERT - Everybody, please welcome... JP!

JP ROSENBAUM -  Hello, nice to meet -




**JP wanders off dejectedly**

ASHLEY HEBERT -  Ok, let's try bachelor number two.

BEN FLAJNIK - Using "dog voice"  Ruh roh.

CHRYSTIE CORNS -  Sold. Love him.

BEN FLAJNIK - **still using Dog Voice** Sweet, I am so in.

CHRYSTIE CORNS - You can stop talking like that now.


At the Final Rose Ceremony... 

BEN FLAJNIK - Trying to start a bonfire or something?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Chris Harrison made me stand in this wood pile. Dunno why.

BEN FLAJNIK - Ok, well, Ashley, I want to tell you -

ASHLEY HEBERT - Wait, Ben. Before you make a huge mistake and completely embarrass yourself, I need you to know that I've fallen in love with-

BEN FLAJNIK - Shhh. Stop. Here goes nothin'. **Gets down on one knee** Ashley Hebert, I would be honored if you, small tits, big forehead, and all, would be my wife.


BEN FLAJNIK - Say what now?


BEN FLAJNIK  -  I'm... Shocked.

ASHLEY HEBERT - I just told you I'm in love with someone else.

BEN FLAJNIK -  You think I actually listen to you when you talk?  Bitch, I make wine. You know who else made wine and had hair like this? Jesus.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Jesus wasn't married, either.

BEN FLAJNIK - Cold. That's just cold.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - Sorry, dude. JP's just better in the sack. He does this thing with air deodorizer -

BEN FLAJNIK - I just don't get it. Your sister - your sister said she loved me.


CHRYSTIE CORNS - **pops out of wood pile** I do.

CHRIS HARRISON - Ben, meet your consolation prize. Again.

BEN FLAJNIK - Bitchin'. So I see from your arm that you're into geishas. So am I! **they row off in a boat together**

JP ROSENBAUM - **departs his sea plane** What's with the bonfire shit?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Chris Harrison.

JP ROSENBAUM  - Ah, I see. There better not be a PA hiding in the bushes, ready to ignite it.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Haha, Jeremy would never do that.


ASHLEY HEBERT - Ok, yes, yes he would.

JP ROSENBAUM  -  Well, let's move this along before Mr. Trench Coat makes his move. Ashley Hebert, I would be honored if you, small tits, big forehead, and all, would be my wife.

ASHLEY HEBERT - You know, you guys don't always have to mention my small boobs and big forehead every waking second of the day. But, yeah, let's do this.

JP ROSENBAUM - YES! I WIN!  First, I'm going to lock you in a tower so you can never speak to anyone else ever again. Then, I'm gonna kill your sister and feed her body to Jake Pavelka. Then, I'm going to impregnate you thirty times, and make you birth the children alone. Then,  I -

ASHLEY HEBERT  - **pleading** Chrriiiiss? Heeelp?

CHRIS HARRISON  - Sorry. You're on your own now, sugar tits.

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