Friday, June 17, 2011

Real Housewives of New York Episode 11 - "Debt Becomes Her"

This would go great with my goatee! photo -

At the Van Kempen/McCord Estate... 

SIMON VAN KEMPEN -  Try this one on, Alex. **slurps oyster**

ALEX MCCORD - **tries on white lingerie** This acrylic fabric is setting off my eczema...

SIMON VAN KEMPEN  - Well, I love it. Very virginal. But judging by our two Children of the Corn, I know you're not. **wink wink**

ALEX MCCORD - Oh you! How about this one?

SIMON VAN KEMPEN  -I likey. Kind of like that Rihanna song. **slurps oyster, cracks imaginary whip**

ALEX MCCORD  - And this?

SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Perfect, baby doll! Get it? Cuz it's a baby doll style.

ALEX MCCORD - I get it. You're so hilarious.

SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Time to take it off.

ALEX MCCORD -  So soon? You're ready?

SIMON VAN KEMPEN - No, I want to try it on. Pink brings out the functional alcoholic blush in my cheeks. **he puts on the teddy, poses in the mirror for an hour** Alex, darling? I'm ready.

ALEX MCCORD  - **snores from bed** 

SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Oh darn. Guess I'll have to try on these other ones!

FRANCOIS VAN KEMPEN - **enters* What are you doing, daddy?

SIMON VAN KEMPEN  - Feeling the soft caress of La Perla against my coarse scrotum skin.

FRANCOIS VAN KEMPEN -Ok. Can we go to the park tomorrow?

SIMON VAN KEMPEN -  Of course, Francois. Now off to bed you go. Daddy wants to experience the sensation of pastel-dyed feathers on his nipple hair.

In a hotel room, where Ramona sits on the couch for eight hours, waiting for Mario...

RAMONA SINGER - Ah! Finally. Follow the rose petals, darling.

MARIO SINGER - I mean, it's a ten by twelve hotel room. Not many other directions to go in.

RAMONA SINGER - Here's a glass of Asti Spumanti.  Let me massage your shoulders with this CVS-brand petroleum jelly.  

MARIO SINGER - How 'bout my feet? They ache.  


MARIO SINGER - Nice. Don't forget the bunion. 

RAMONA SINGER - Isn't this romantic? Me, rubbing your aching, throbbing feet?

MARIO SINGER - Sure. Hey, grab those tweezers. Unibrow's back in town.

RAMONA SINGER -  Is that what you want me to do, baby?

MARIO SINGER  - Well, it's what I just said. So... yes.

RAMONA SINGER -  K. **plucks**.

MARIO SINGER - Yip. Yip. Yip.  

RAMONA SINGER - Oooh, this is starting to feel like that Rihanna song. Very sexy.


RAMONA SINGER - Can we move on to the next level now? If you know what I mean.

MARIO SINGER - I do. **gestures to his private parts** It's all yours.

RAMONA SINGER -  Wonderful.

MARIO SINGER - Wait, what are you doing?

RAMONA SINGER - Pleasing you.

MARIO SINGER - Huh? You don't even have the bleach ready.

RAMONA SINGER  -  Oh no, Mario. Not tonight.

MARIO SINGER - C'mon, I've had a long day.

RAMONA SINGER - **Starts to bleach his anus**. Ok, there's nothing romantic about this.

MARIO SINGER -  Can we get it done within the next ten? I'm meeting a friend downtown. She's gonna love, oops, I mean he's gonna love this.

RAMONA SINGER - Ugh, fine. Mario? We have the best marriage out of everybody, right?

MARIO SINGER - You betcha. Hey, when you're done, you can exfoliate my shins. How's that sound?

RAMONA SINGER - Perfect. Just perfect.

At the Shapewear Showing... 

SONJA MORGAN -  That bloated Scientologist gay Turkish bath attendee! He fucked me!

JILL ZARIN - What does Kelly Preston think about that?

SONJA MORGAN - No, Travolta figuratively fucked me. I'm bankrupt.

JILL ZARIN - So I read in Life and Style. Very reliable, their reporting is.

SONJA MORGAN  - That's Hollywood, right?   

JILL ZARIN - Not necessarily. What you should have done is come to me, Jill Zarin, with your financial problems. I could have solved everything with a flick of my wrist. Because I'm Jill Zarin.   

SONJA MORGAN - Thanks for the help. 

JILL ZARIN  - Anytime. Anybody who doesn't consult me on their issues is kind of a retard. 


JILL ZARIN - I know everybody and everyone. So, if you can go back in time and ask for advice from me, you should do it. 


JILL ZARIN - I mean, I know somebody who knows somebody who can get their hands on a time machine, sooo...

SONJA MORGAN - Gotcha.  

JILL ZARIN - Or you could just imagine what it would have been like if you would have asked me for help. Might ease some of the pain.  

SONJA MORGAN -  You're a real comfort. Ever think of becoming a  therapist? 

JILL ZARIN - Every day.

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