Monday, June 20, 2011

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 6 - "Whine and Dine"

With the tools she's given them to succeed, Caroline's children are taking over the world. photo

On the radio... Whoooooaaaa, on the radio....

CAROLINE MANZO - Welcome to "Caroline Orders You the Fuck Around." It's 3 a.m. here in North Jersey. Any calls yet, Larry?

LARRY - Nope. Nothing.

CAROLINE MANZO - Um, ok. So... How 'bout them Nets? That one guy threw the ball in the, um, basket. And stuff. Who's our first caller, Lar?

LARRY  - Sorry, Caroline. Nada.

CAROLINE MANZO - Not even one of my friends calling with a fake problem?

LARRY -  I mean, I've got some issues we could talk about. My wife's always hassling me to wear underpants at the grocery store, but how else can I tell if the mangoes are ripe?

CAROLINE MANZO - Please god, let there be a caller.

LARRY - Aha! You're in luck. Terri from Bucks wants to talk about raising children.

CAROLINE MANZO -  Perfect! That's my forte. Hey, Terri, how are ya?

TERRI - Great, Mrs. Manzo.

CAROLINE MANZO -  Please, call me Chubs.

TERRI  - Ok... Chubs. First off, I want to congratulate you on your excellent job with your three wonderful kids.

CAROLINE MANZO - Aw, thank you! The kids are alright, you know? Christopher's big Chicks with Dicks carwash idea kind of blew up in his face...

TERRI  - Oh yeah? 

CAROLINE MANZO - Yeah.  I guess it's not the vision the borough had for that piece of land. The Franklin Lakes planning commission turned it down.

TERRI  -  Oh, that's too bad.

CAROLINE MANZO - It is, Terri. It's too bad. So now he's shacking up with a homosexual and a dog named Dolores in a Hoboken apartment complex.

TERRI - But he's with Albie, right?

CAROLINE MANZO  - Yes, with Albie. We had big dreams for that kid. But God had other plans, by making him too stupid to stay in a third tier law school.

TERRI  - But what about the police academy?

CAROLINE MANZO - He couldn't fire a gun to save his life. And kept pricking his skin whenever he tried to put on his badge. Well, at least he's still got his hair, right?


TERRI - Well, Caroline, I'm calling because my son Bobby -

CAROLINE MANZO - And then there's Lauren. Sweet, husky, idiot Lauren. You know when she did my makeup she put frosted shadow on my lids? I'm a fifty-five year old woman. Frosted shadow.

TERRI  - So Bobby claims he's bisexual, but he's only seven -

CAROLINE MANZO - That dumbass will NOT make it in the makeup biz. But at least she can marry Vito and he'll take care of her, right?

TERRI - So I found Bobby and his "best friend" Craig in the tub -

CAROLINE MANZO - WRONG! Vito spends all day slicing prosciutto and sniffing mozzarella. I'm going to be paying their cell phones bills until the day I die.

TERRI - And Craig says, Mrs. H, we were just experimenting. Yeah, I know a thing or two about experimenting.

CAROLINE MANZO -  So what am I left with? A ratty-looking "entrepreneur" who does awful, offensive impressions of Cajun people, a balding law-school drop-out, excuse me, fail-out, and a chunky frosted-eyeshadow applier.

LARRY - C'mon, Caroline, they're great kids.

CAROLINE MANZO - Shove it, Larry. I failed. I am in no position to give advice to anybody.

LARRY - But we're in Jersey. Your kids are the most impressive specimens north of Cape May. Remember The Situation?

CAROLINE MANZO  - Shit,  now you're comparing them to The Situation? Fuck me. Terri, tell Little Bobby to touch all the wieners he wants, nothing matters in this world. **rips off mic**

LARRY - Caroline, wait!

CAROLINE MANZO - I'm out. My kids are losers, and I've got nothing to show for this withered ol' va-jay-jay. Nothing.  **leaves** 

Dead air space...

LARRY  - Uh, so this is Larry, the guy who usually screens calls. It's 3:15 am here in Northern Jersey...

**more dead air space**

LARRY - Alright, here's a topic. Underpants at the grocery store... Necessary, or an arcane holdover from the Victorian era?

The End.

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