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| The male-attention seeking pot calls the Brazilian kettle black. photo - mtv.com |
JONNA - What did you just call me?
CAMILA - Jasmine?
JONNA - Say that again. To my face.
CAMILA - Uh... Jasmine?
JONNA - WRONG! It's Jonna, you idiot! How fucking dare you confuse my name with that of my teammate?
CAMILA - There are a lot of new faces this year - Lance, Mitch, Albie...
JONNA - You mean Leroy, Mike, and Adam?
CAMILA - Yes! Thank you. I'm still trying to learn American names.
JONNA - Well, I take it very personally. Of all people, you should remember my name - I appeared on Rehab: Party at the Hard Rock on the Tru network, after all.
CAMILA - You did? I love that show!
JONNA - I bet you fuckin' do, you evil whore. I walked around in the skimpiest bikini, serving bachelor parties and letting them lick salt off my left breast. It's bigger than the right one. Jealous?
CAMILA - Of your breast size discrepancy, or of your reality show gig?
JONNA - Both.
CAMILA - Well, neither. I just hope we can be friends, you seem really nice when you're not being mean to me.
JONNA - Let's get something straight, Sao Paulo.
CAMILA - I'm from Rio.
JONNA - Whatever. Your accent might be adorable, and you might be all little and precious, but I see right through you. You're cruisin' for attention from the Grade A pieces of man meat.
CAMILA - Grade A? None of them even have jobs.
JONNA - It's pathetic, the way you walk around in your MTV-issued cotton competition t-shirt and matching shorts.
CAMILA - I'm sorry, I don't know what else to wear -
JONNA - Slut.
THERESA - Hey, Jonna, isn't cocktail waitressing at a Vegas pool the epitome of cruising for male attention?
JONNA - Huh?
THERESA - And didn't you spend all your time in Cancun cock-teasing your roommates and that Canadian DJ?
JONNA - Wha?
THERESA - Don't hate. That's all I'm gonna say.
JASMINE - **appearing out of nowhere** I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!
THERESA - **looks around** Whoa, where did that come from?
JASMINE - **waves** Down here. I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!! **punches mirror** Ow.
THERESA - Well, I guess that's settled.
TJ LAVIN - Enough nonsense, everybody. And when you've crushed your skull in a life-threatening profession that you voluntarily entered into, knowing full well the risks, it's all nonsense.
**they all nod**
TJ LAVIN - Your task for today is to sit in a vehicle on your partner's lap and hope they don't get a boner.
MANDI - What about us chicks?
TJ LAVIN - Obviously, Evelyn can still play. The rest of you will have to watch.
CARA MARIA - Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.
TJ LAVIN - Kenny and Wes, you're up.
WES - No I won't be! Haha. Get it?
KENNY - Shuddup.
**they get in vehicle, sit for a second.**
KENNY - Shit. Looks like we're DQ'ed.
TJ LAVIN - Nice try, Wes.
WES - He's got firm glutes. What can I say? It's exciting.
TJ LAVIN - Johnny and Tyler, you're up.
JOHNNY BANANAS - No I won't be -
TJ LAVIN - Seriously, stop. It wasn't even funny the first time.
**they get in vehicle, sit for a second.**
TYLER - Fuck!
JOHNNY BANANAS - I'm sorry! I tried to imagine Nancy Pelosi naked on a cold day. But then I remembered I've always been very attracted to mature women in politics. I couldn't help it.
TJ LAVIN - Another DQ. Davis and Tyrie, you're up.
DAVIS - No, I won't -
TJ LAVIN - Shut the fuck up.
**they get in vehicle, sit for half an hour**
TJ LAVIN - Alright, that's enough. You guys won.
DAVIS - He just doesn't do it for me.
TYRIE - That hurts, man.
DAVIS - Put CT or Evan on my lap, and it would be a completely different story.
CT - I'd like to try that sometime.
EVAN - Me too.
TJ LAVIN - Hugs all around. Next week, we'll attempt another vaguely homoerotic task that I can videotape and watch at my leisure.
ADAM - Vaguely?
TJ LAVIN - Cool it, smarty pants.
THE END
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