Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Challenge: Rivals Episode 2 - "Through The Looking Glass"

The male-attention seeking pot calls the Brazilian kettle black. photo -

JONNA - What did you just call me?

CAMILA - Jasmine?

JONNA - Say that again. To my face.

CAMILA  - Uh... Jasmine?

JONNA -  WRONG! It's Jonna, you idiot! How fucking dare you confuse my name with that of my teammate?

CAMILA - There are a lot of new faces this year - Lance, Mitch, Albie...

JONNA  - You mean Leroy, Mike, and Adam?

CAMILA - Yes! Thank you. I'm still trying to learn American names.

JONNA - Well, I take it very personally. Of all people, you should remember my name -  I appeared on Rehab: Party at the Hard Rock on the Tru network, after all.

CAMILA - You did?  I love that show!

JONNA - I bet you fuckin' do, you evil whore. I walked around in the skimpiest bikini, serving bachelor parties and letting them lick salt off my left breast. It's bigger than the right one. Jealous?

CAMILA - Of your breast size discrepancy, or of your reality show gig? 

JONNA - Both.  

CAMILA - Well, neither. I just hope we can be friends, you seem really nice when you're not being mean to me.

JONNA - Let's get something straight, Sao Paulo.

CAMILA - I'm from Rio.

JONNA - Whatever. Your accent might be adorable, and you might be all little and precious, but I see right through you. You're cruisin' for attention from the Grade A pieces of man meat.

CAMILA - Grade A? None of them even have jobs.

JONNA -  It's pathetic, the way you walk around in your MTV-issued cotton competition t-shirt and matching shorts.

CAMILA -  I'm sorry, I don't know what else to wear -

JONNA - Slut. 

THERESA - Hey, Jonna, isn't cocktail waitressing at a Vegas pool the epitome of cruising for male attention?

JONNA - Huh?

THERESA  - And didn't you spend all your time in Cancun cock-teasing your roommates and that Canadian DJ?

JONNA  - Wha?

THERESA - Don't hate. That's all I'm gonna say.

JASMINE - **appearing out of nowhere** I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!

THERESA - **looks around** Whoa, where did that come from?

JASMINE  - **waves** Down here. I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!! **punches mirror** Ow.

THERESA  - Well, I guess that's settled.

TJ LAVIN - Enough nonsense, everybody. And when you've crushed your skull in a life-threatening profession that you voluntarily entered into, knowing full well the risks, it's all nonsense.

**they all nod** 

TJ LAVIN   - Your task for today is to sit in a vehicle on your partner's lap and hope they don't get a boner.

MANDI  - What about us chicks?

TJ LAVIN -  Obviously, Evelyn can still play. The rest of you will have to watch.

CARA MARIA - Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

TJ LAVIN - Kenny and Wes, you're up.

WES - No I won't be! Haha. Get it?

KENNY - Shuddup.

**they get in vehicle, sit for a second.** 

KENNY  - Shit. Looks like we're DQ'ed.

TJ LAVIN - Nice try, Wes.

WES - He's got firm glutes. What can I say? It's exciting.

TJ LAVIN - Johnny and Tyler, you're up.

JOHNNY BANANAS - No I won't be -

TJ LAVIN - Seriously, stop. It wasn't even funny the first time. 

**they get in vehicle, sit for a second.** 

TYLER - Fuck!  

JOHNNY BANANAS - I'm sorry! I tried to imagine Nancy Pelosi naked on a cold day. But then I remembered I've always been very attracted to mature women in politics. I couldn't help it.

TJ LAVIN  - Another DQ.  Davis and Tyrie, you're up.

DAVIS - No, I won't -

TJ LAVIN - Shut the fuck up.

**they get in vehicle, sit for half an hour** 

TJ LAVIN  - Alright, that's enough. You guys won.

DAVIS  - He just doesn't do it for me.

TYRIE - That hurts, man.

DAVIS  - Put CT or Evan on my lap, and it would be a completely different story.

CT - I'd like to try that sometime.

EVAN - Me too. 

TJ LAVIN - Hugs all around. Next week, we'll attempt another vaguely homoerotic task that I can videotape and watch at my leisure.

ADAM - Vaguely? 

TJ LAVIN - Cool it, smarty pants.


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