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| Mmmm... tastes like vodka and juvie. photo MTV.com |
At the Suite...
JONATHAN FROM ELITE INVESTIGATIONS - I've got some good news, and some bad news.
NANY - Oh god.
JONATHAN - Here, hold my hand.
NANY - **slaps it away** No.
JONATHAN - Ouch. Bad news first. In 2002, your father passed away.
NANY - Oh no. That's the worst possible news!
JONATHAN - I know. Its pretty frickin' bad. But now, for the good news. He left you three lottery tickets worth fifteen dollars each!
NANY - Don't those, like, expire?
JONATHAN - Dunno. That's outside my realm of expertise. Sorry. But... silver lining, right?
NANY - Sure. I guess.
JONATHAN - And now for a bit of neutral news, meaning it could be good or bad, depending on your world view.
NANY - You sure like to categorize news.
JONATHAN - It's a gift. So, your father has... a son in Cuba.
NANY - Ahh! A brother!
JONATHAN - And... fraternal twins in Grand Island, Nebraska.
NANY - Wow! More siblings!
JONATHAN - And a daughter in Cheektowaga.
NANY - Really? That's right by Buffalo. And he never got in touch?
JONATHAN - I'm not done. Turns out he also sired Demi Lovato. And an albino in Fresno.
NANY - Um...
JONATHAN - Oh, and I almost forgot, you have a eunuch sibling in the Dominican Republic! Vacation, anybody?
NANY - You know what? I think I've heard enough.
JONATHAN - Fine. You won't get to hear about his Mastiff puppy. He's adopted, though.
NANY - I'll live.
JONATHAN - Keep me posted on the validity of those lottery tickets!
Outside the Hard Rock...
HORACE, THE SECURITY GUARD - Sorry, man. I read you that note three months ago that says you're not allowed back on the property.
ADAM ROYER - You expect me to spend all my time at The Rumor? It's a converted Super 8!
HORACE - You too good for clean, economy hotels with hot breakfast? Get outta my sight.
ADAM ROYER - Just gimme one pull on the Sex and the City slot. Just one pull!
HORACE - Man, you got this hot chick here. Take her back to your room!
ADAM ROYER - Not yet. I need to have some Pink Taco first. I miss their pico de gallo.
HORACE - But you have proverbial pink taco right here!
NANY - Excuse me?
HORACE - Sorry, Nany.
ADAM ROYER - I... can't. I can't go back there.
HORACE - What, your leg doesn't work?
ADAM ROYER - In a sense...
HORACE - Lemme guess. You can't get it up cuz you drank too much and now you're stalling.
ADAM ROYER - You are far too intuitive to be a hotel security guard.
HORACE - That's what my mom says, too.
On the bike track...
HART & HUNTINGTON DUDE - Motocross! Naomi, you suck so hard that we're gonna pretend this white chick is you. She'll win the race and all your roommates will finally respect you.
NAOMI - But we look so different.
HART & HUNTINGTON DUDE - No worries. Your roommates are so far up their own asses, they won't even notice.
**White Motocross wins race, takes off her helmet to reveal her identity**
HEATHER - Great job, Naomi!
DUSTIN ZITO - That Bronx bitch fucking beat me.
LEROY - You're looking thin, Naomi. I think I'll hit that tonight.
MIKE MIKE - I'll buy you a celebratory drink, Nay.
COOKE - Heck, I'll buy you three!
WHITE MOTOCROSS CHICK - Aw, thanks, guys! Let's go!
**they all leave to party together**
NAOMI - **crouched in trailer** Is it done yet? Did she win?
HART & HUNTINGTON DUDE - Um, it's still going on, and might be for the next few days. Wanna cuddle?
NAOMI - Ok.
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