Friday, May 20, 2011

Real Housewives of New York City Episode 7 - "Travel Reservations"

Another day, another drunken argument at an anti-bullying fashion show. photo -

At the Middle-Age Lady Spa...

DJEMBE TEACHER -  Welcome to West African drum class, where I help rich sex-starved middle-aged women forget their horrible lives.

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Um, excuse me? I'm currently getting some.

 DJEMBE TEACHER - With French Ross Gellar? Doesn't count. Ok, let's all bang on the drum and tell our neighbors what we hate about them. You first, Fire Crotch.

JILL ZARIN - **touches her hair** Oh, this isn't real. But the carpet does match the drapes - I buy alotta hair dye.


JILL ZARIN - Cindy, I hate your horsey mouth. **bangs the drum**

CINDY BARSHOP - Jill, I hate your fire crotch. Got a glimpse at the sauna - NYFD called, they want their vehicle back. **bangs the drum**

KELLY BENSIMON - Blech! You girls look at other vaginas?

CINDY BARSHOP - Duh, its the 90s.

KELLY BENSIMON  - Ew! I would never want to see a lady's soft, silky, alluring vagina. That's, like.... lesbian.

DJEMBE TEACHER - Um, let me just adjust my drum in front of my pants here... Ah, that's better. Ahem. Man-Voice, it's your turn.

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS  - Thanks, dude. Kelly, I hate that your man-voice rivals mine. It's how I differentiate myself from the pack.

KELLY BENSIMON - Sure, I'll get right on that non-man voice corrective surgery. Fucking bitch.

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - You're a fucking bitch!

CINDY BARSHOP - No, you are!

JILL ZARIN  - You are!

DJEMBE TEACHER - Now, now, ladies. We can turn this drum circle into a raging spa orgy, if it'll help you relieve this stress.

CINDY BARSHOP - Who do we look like, Sonja Morgan?

JILL ZARIN - Why don't you have an orgy with yourself, hippie pig man?


KELLY BENSIMON - Greasy squirmy oink oink piggy hippie!**Anger now directed at Djembe Teacher**

DJEMBE TEACHER  - My work here is done. That's why they pay me the big eleven dollars an hour.

At the Anti-Bullying Party...

RAMONA SINGER - Great party. Pretty cool that your stepdaughter is willing to speak in front of other humans, what with being deformed and all.

JILL ZARIN - Hey, why don't you pour another bawtle of pinow dawn ya throat, ya alcohowlic?

RAMONA SINGER - Bullying! Jill Zarin's bullying, everybody!

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Darling, its declasse to yell at a party.

RAMONA SINGER - What if its a frat party? What then, hmmmm? Gimme that. **rips glass of wine out of Countesses hands, downs it** 

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Now that you're wasted, it might be a good time to ask if I can wear a David Meister teddy in the privacy of my own home.

RAMONA SINGER - Absolutely not. And not because it's David Meister - I just don't think you should be wearing a teddy. Ever.

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - Wow. You're kind of a huge asshole when you're drunk.

RAMONA SINGER - Speaking of "huge assholes", where's Alex? I know what her husband's into, if you catch my drift.  


ZARIN STEPDAUGTHER -  If I may interject, even though according to Ramona I should be hiding in a cave somewhere, you're all unbelievable.

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS - It's rude to interject if you have a birthmark.

ZARIN STEPDAUGTHER - Fuck you, Man-Voice. Ramona, you have a drinking problem. Kelly, you have a life problem. And Alex, stop trying to make modeling happen. It's not going to happen.

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESSEPS  - Jill, aren't you going to stop her?

JILL ZARIN - Stepdaughter, or whatever your name is, please stop criticizing my friend.

ZARIN STEPDAUGTHER  - Whatever, "mommy". Find another pet cause to make yourself look good. I'm outta here. **grabs bottle of pinot and chugs, smashes it on the ground** 

JILL ZARIN - Damn. It's always the quiet ones.

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