Monday, April 4, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 5 - "No Hate"

The housewives take time out of their busy schedules of relaxing and getting spa treatments to attend a party about relaxing and getting spa treatments.

In the garage of Tamra's sad, poorly-lit apartment, as Tamra packs up to move...

EDDIE JUDGE - What's this?

TAMRA BARNEY - My wedding dress.

EDDIE JUDGE - Why does it have nipple tassels and a crotch hole?

TAMRA BARNEY  - Hey, it was the Nineties.

EDDIE JUDGE - What's this glass?

TAMRA BARNEY - It's a glass for drinking fluids. From my wedding to Simon.

EDDIE JUDGE  - You should really throw it out.

TAMRA BARNEY - But it's a perfectly good glass, if you ignore the airbrushed image of me and Simon making love, and the little hole on the side.

EDDIE JUDGE  - How about this used condom? You really saved it?

TAMRA BARNEY - That's actually yours, from when we did it in the garage ten minutes ago. 

EDDIE JUDGE - Oh. You know, Tamra, I don't know how I feel about all these things left over from your life with Simon.

TAMRA BARNEY - Is that so? Well, how about my kids? They're from Simon. Think I should get rid of them, too?

EDDIE JUDGE - Well... They do look an awful lot like him.

TAMRA BARNEY - Done. They're gone.

EDDIE JUDGE - Aw. You're the best girlfriend I've ever had, if you discount the one from high school that was actually a boy. 

At Alexis's Relaxation n' Rejuvenation party....

PEGGY TANOUS  - Great party, Lex.  I especially love the strangers plucked from obscurity you hired to stick needles in our faces.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Strangers? These are the pool boys from our country club.

PEGGY TANOUS  - The ones who watched as your kids almost drowned last July?

ALEXIS BELLINO - The very ones. Poke right between the eyes, Pablo.

VICKI GUNVALSON - I'm here! I hope everyone realizes that I left work to be here, and what a huge sacrifice it is for me to appear on the television show I signed up for six seasons in a row.

PEGGY TANOUS - It's so great to meet you! As the sole working woman in Coto not in the real estate business, you're a legend.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Oh, please. I'm just like everyone else. But do go on.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Peggy, taste this sugar free brown cake. It's made from tarantula feces.

PEGGY TANOUS  - Shhh, I'm busy worshiping at the altar of Working Woman Vicki Gunvalson.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Fine. More tarantula feces for me.

PEGGY TANOUS - So, how do you do it, Vicki? Balance ignoring your husband with a busy work schedule?

VICKI GUNVALSON -  It's hard, but it's about turning off that chip inside you that recognizes human suffering and sadness.

PEGGY TANOUS  - Wow. You are truly amazing. 

ALEXIS BELLINO -  Peggy, look! My foreheads completely frozen, except for this one spot near the hairline. I look like Jack Nicholson.

PEGGY TANOUS - Uh huh, that's nice. So, Vicki, tell me more about your river house...

GRETCHEN ROSSI - She's gone, girlfriend. Just let her go.

ALEXIS BELLINO -  I know. Jim was right about friends, and how I shouldn't have any ever.

At Lesbian Fernanda's Citizenship Party...

FERNANDA - Friends are people who celebrate with you when you've earned the right to not know any of the presidents' names.

FRIEND - Quick - who's Samuel Adams?

FERNANDA - Yuppie beer.

FRIEND  - Very good! You're one of us now.

FERNANDA  - I can't believe Tamra's not here. You'd think someone who bared her breast scars to pose for human rights photos with you would show up.

FRIEND - Isn't she moving out of her sad, poorly lit apartment today?

FERNANDA -  No excuse. You should always schedule big life changes around lesbians you've just met. Always.

FRIEND - What a bitch.

No comments:

Post a Comment

web statistics
Wall Street Journal