Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Hills - Episode 7

Scene 1

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Other bartenders who complain about not being able to afford their own deluxe suites at the Palazzo on their bartenders' salary need to pull themselves up by their bartender bootstraps.

KRISTIN - Enough with the politics, Stacie. It's really unhot.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Hey, girls, I was just showering and trying to scrub off my Italia tattoo. Wouldn't you know it, that little bastard isn't budging.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - Oh. It's... you. Nothing compliments a Girls' Slutty Weekend Away like a quasi boyfriend.

JUSTIN BOBBY - Chill, alky. I've got something even better in mind.

KRISTIN - Backstage passes at Thunder Down Under?

JUSTIN BOBBY - Guess again.

STACIE THE BARTENDER - VIP room at Pure with both Penn AND Teller?



JUSTIN BOBBY - I'm going to drag you both with me to a strip club, and then you're going to make out with each other for my viewing pleasure.

KRISTIN - You're the best boyfriend since Lloyd Dobbler. Seriously.

Scene 2

SPENCER - Heidi's refusing to drink the abortifacient cocktail I made her.

CHARLIE - Shocker, especially when there's an "Abortifacient Cocktail" label on it.

SPENCER - She can't read, duh.

CHARLIE - Maybe the picture of the fetus with the red line through it tipped her off.

SPENCER - I can't have a kid. It would try to kill me in my sleep.

CHARLIE - Perhaps it would be a manifestation of the Oedipus Complex, which is a child's unconscious desire for the exclusive love of the parent of the opposite sex. This desire includes jealousy toward the parent of the same sex and the unconscious wish for that parent's death.

SPENCER - Dude... where did you learn this stuff?

CHARLIE - Community college.

SPENCER - I wonder if the baby would have Heidi's old face or her new face...

CHARLIE - Well, just let me know if you need to borrow my Big Book of Baby Names. I keep it next to my Paula Deen Family Cookbook.

SPENCER - Dude... did you know she used to be agoraphobic?

CHARLIE - I'm not an idiot.

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