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| This week, a white girl has problems. photo - mtv.com |
In the "phone lounge...
NANY - Mom, what can you tell me about my dad?
MRS. NANY - He made me stuff cocaine in my vagina once.
NANY - Anything... Good?
MRS. NANY - He was dynamite in the sack. One time, he took my left leg and pinned it up against the wall and -
NANY - I get the picture. Thanks.
MRS. NANY - He's scum, ok? Look, it doesn't matter. You have me, and even though I spend every weeknight at O'Shaughnessy's tavern, offerin' up blowies to mill workers, I love you.
NANY - You're right. I'm sorry.
MRS. NANY - Thatta girl. Oh, I almost forgot, I got a visit from that Elite Investigations guy, Jonathan. He musta taken a lesson from your dad in bedside manner. He knew the leg trick!
NANY - Bye, mom. **hangs up**
At Hash House A Go Go at the Imperial Palace...
MIKE MIKE - Ally... I had a cat named Ally.
ALLY - Uh huh, great. Hey, ever met a 21 year-old who's going to Haiti to immunize kids?
MIKE MIKE - No...
ALLY - Yeah, well, that's me. I also wipe old people's asses at an assisted living facility, and provide marriage counseling to troubled couples at my church.
MIKE MIKE - Wow! You know, sometimes I volunteer at -
ALLY - Stop talking. One time, I found a starving baby bird in my fireplace and nursed it back to health with my own breast.
MIKE MIKE - That's... kinda gross.
ALLY - Who cares what you think. Have you ever thrown thousands of dollars in the air and then watched bums scramble to pick it all up? Didn't think so.
CAMERA MAN - Take five. I'm craving a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki from Subway.
ALLY - Oh, is there a camera filming us? I had no idea. **winks**
Chillin' in the Kitch...
NAOMI -Whatever you do, do NOT go back to Dustin. He had sex with somebody else before he even knew you existed.
HEATHER - You're right. And those "somebodies" most likely had ass hair and adam's apples.
NANY - My dad probably has ass hair and an adam's apple. I guess i'll never know the truth.
NAOMI - Aw. You should compare yourself to the homeless street kids of Vegas. You guys are like twins.
NANY - I know, right?
HEATHER - Um, hello? Gay boyfriend here? Stay on topic.
NAOMI - Sorry - I forgot a white blonde girl has a problem.
HEATHER - Yeah, well, don't let it happen again.
In the room where they film you on the toilet...
DUSTIN ZITO - Heather, I have a confession to make. Cooke and I chastely grazed knees in the cab.
HEATHER - Whhhhhaaaaa? With a roommate????!!! I'm gonna go Adam Royer on this shit!!!! **breaks a bunch of stuff**
DUSTIN ZITO - Phew. So I guess this means you've forgotten about the ass sex I had on camera with men?
HEATHER - Yes! Don't touch me, you beast!
DUSTIN ZITO - But look at my floppy hair. And alabaster skin. And soccer shorts.
HEATHER - **succumbs to his sweet touch** I am just a woman, after all.
DUSTIN ZITO - Aw. That's what Willy "Wienis" Williams said to me before he offered up his behind for my pleasure.
HEATHER - Ok, I'm out. **leaves**
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