Monday, May 9, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 10 - "It's Not a Competition"

Vicki toasts to the good life a mere hour before her suicide. photo -

At the St. Regis "photo shoot"...

TAL SHEYN - Why don't we photograph you in this dress? The one whose sleeves you unceremoniously cut off while I cried in the fetal position?

ALEXIS BELLINO -  "Whose" sleeves? Please stop ascribing human traits to inanimate objects. It's pathetic.

JIM BELLINO - **talking to the dress** Is little dressy wessy ready for his big pictorial debut? You gonna be a big boy for the camera man?

**Tal lights dress on fire while Alexis "poses"**

JIM BELLINO - Stick that tushie out real far, Lexi. Show everyone how sexy a tangerine-colored mu mu can look.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Oh god. I'm on fire.

JIM BELLINO  - **adjusts old lady glasses** Uh huh. Now pucker that trout pout. Perfect.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Jim, I'm burning to death.

JIM BELLINO - Now put your left arm over your body, completely obscuring the dress we're trying to sell.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Seriously! I'm getting real hot. 

JIM BELLINO - That makes two of us. Now lean over the the valet guy and put your keys in his mouth.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Iiiii'm meeeeellting....

JIM BELLINO - Oh yeah, baby. Dangle 'em right over his kisser.  **Alexis dies**

TAL SHEYN - Whoa. It worked.

JIM BELLINO - Tal, did you set my wife on fire?

TAL SHEYN - Yes. She destroyed my Dallas-inspired creation.

JIM BELLINO - For shame. Oh well. At least we got the shot.

TAL SHEYN - That's true.

JIM BELLINO -  Hey, wanna grab some margaritas over at Javiers?

TAL SHEYN - Sure, sounds good. **they step over Alexis' charred remains**

At a Temecula winery...

VICKI GUNVALSON  - **weeping** I'm perfect! Life's good!

PEGGY TANOUS - But your false eyelash is on a tear-slide down your left cheek.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Allergies. I love work!

TAMRA BARNEY - Uh oh. Vicki's heading over to the dark side.

VICKI GUNVALSON - **to wine-pourer guy** Did you hear what she said? Dark. That means she's talking about you, Mexican Man.

WINE-POURER GUY - I'm Puerto Rican.

VICKI GUNVALSON   - Is that near Ixtapa?

WINE-POURER GUY - No. It's part of America. The very country you live in.

VICKI GUNVALSON-  Eh, what do you know, dark-colored wine server person.  

WINE-POURER GUY  - Can you stop pointing out my race when I'm at work?

VICKI GUNVALSON - Security! Please remove this brown person. He's questioning a paying white customer. 

SECURITY GUARD - Looks like you're the one causing the problem.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Shit. Another brown person. I hate Temecula.

At Peggy's "boudoir" photo shoot for Micah... 

PEGGY TANOUS -So at what point during this boudoir photo shoot do I get to runway walk?

PHOTOGRAPHER - You don't. It's a photo shoot.

PEGGY TANOUS  - But my left arm is getting restless. **tries to pump her arm**

PHOTOGRAPHER - Stop. Just sit still like a normal person.

PEGGY TANOUS  - What? This is how we walked for Target's Merona spring line 2001.

PHOTOGRAPHER - Yeah, well, this is the big time. We're in a Sears photo department.

PEGGY TANOUS - But famed Orange County photographer Styles O'Jiggles told us to pump our left arms on the set of "See OC Double C's Part II."

PHOTOGRAPHER - There's no such thing as Double C's.

PEGGY TANOUS - You need to get out more. **pumps her arm** 

PHOTOGRAPHER - Seriously, keep your arm down before I chop it off with my dick.

PEGGY TANOUS - EXCUSE ME? I'm paying you to take photos of me. I don't think Sears' Yelp category could use any more negative reviews.

PHOTOGRAPHER - Let me ask you this - Who else in a three-county radius will shoot Jerry Hall's older sister in her underwear?

PEGGY TANOUS - Good point. **to her arm** You sit still, now.

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