Monday, April 25, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 8 - "Kiss and Tell"

Sometimes, not even a chaste kiss with another woman from over a year ago is scandalous enough to get you a slot on a reality show. photo -

At the "Alexis Couture" studio, i.e. her laundry room...

ALEXIS BELLINO - Tal, this dress looks like something a Vegas whore would wear.

TAL SHEYN - I'm sorry. I'll try to make it more modest.

ALEXIS BELLINO  - No.. I want it to look like a Reno whore. And they don't wear sleeves in Reno. **starts to cut off sleeves**

TAL SHEYN  - Oh no. Please don't.

ALEXIS BELLINO - This is MY line. Does your 48 year-old husband have a successful Craigslist-based loan shark operation?

TAL SHEYN - No, but I worked so hard -

ALEXIS BELLINO  - And do you go to your rock n' roll mega-church with a tattooed pastor three times a week to pray for your dress line to succeed?

TAL SHEYN - I'm Catholic, we have priests -

ALEXIS BELLINO - Exactly. Snip snip.

TAL SHEYN  - **starts to weep.** I had to miss Christmas to sew on those sequins. My kids didn't get any gifts this year.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Oh please.. You sound like my nanny when I made her work while her mother died from pancreatic cancer. Get a grip.

At the fashion show rehearsal...

PEGGY TANOUS - I'm so glad to be back in the game. Pump it pump it pump it.

TAMRA BARNEY - Is your arm ok?

PEGGY TANOUS - Yeah, why? Pump it pump it.

TAMRA BARNEY  -  Because it's flailing when you walk.

PEGGY TANOUS - Haha, oh Tamra. So Glendora.  I'm a model. This is how it's done. Pump it pump it pump it. **falls on her face.**

TAMRA BARNEY - Is that how it's done?

PEGGY TANOUS - **brushes dusts and crumbs off new balloon breasts** Yes. Don't you watch ANTM? That's the " Tyra Trip."Amateurs.

At the Lesbian Gym...

LYNNE CURTAIN -     Isn't it weird that nobody in this scene is a current member of the cast?

FERNANDA ROCHA - Yep. So we gotta find a way to turn up the heat.

MARION - Why don't you talk about the eight years of monogamous, stable love we had together?


MARION - Or how we built this terrific gym from the ground up together?

FERNANDA ROCHA - Yawn. I know! I'll tell everyone that Tamra and I had sloppy lesbian sex at a Mexican restaurant! Take that, Kim Zolciak!

MARION  - While we were married?!

FERNANDA ROCHA - Oh shit. I forgot you were listening. The cameras make me say crazy things. It was just a peck on the cheek.

LYNNE CURTAIN  - Uh, Can we get back to the downward dog now? I left that show for a reason.

FERNANDA ROCHA - Cuz you were ass broke?

LYNNE CURTAIN - No! Because I wanted privacy to repair the broken relationship with my family.


LYNNE CURTAIN  - Ok, it was because I was ass broke.

FERNANDA ROCHA - Damn it, Marion, play along. A peck on the cheek doesn't get you a slot on the highest-rated show after Burn Notice. 

MARION - Sorry, babe. Time to take your spot among Kim G. And Jennifer Gilbert in the Rejected Potential Housewives Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY. 

FERNANDA ROCHA - See? This is why we gay marriage divorced. I'm just a joke to you.

MARION - Well, you never supported my dreams to be a Shetland pony trainer!  

FERNANDA ROCHA - Shetland ponies smell bad! And you never put cocoa butter on my back when I ask! 

LYNNE CURTAIN - Uh, guys? Can we get back to working out? 

FERNANDA ROCHA & MARION - Shove it, Curtain!!

At the Gunvalson Estate...

VICKI GUNVALSON -  When you're in Vegas, don't talk to boys. And don't fall asleep on the couch, it's bad for your back. And don't take roofies.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Mom, nobody takes roofies. They're secretly given to you.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Tell that to your Uncle Bob. He pretends he gets roofied so he has a place to sleep at night.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Ok, fine, no roofies.

VICKI GUNVALSON - And no Imperial Palace. I don't want you to come home smelling like the Seventies.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH   - Shouldn't be a problem...

VICKI GUNVALSON - And no alcohol. And no hookahs. And no lesbians talking to you while you smoke a hookah. And no fun.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Mom, please -

VICKI GUNVALSON - On second thought, no going to Vegas. And no going anywhere without me, ever.

BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Are you being serious right now?


BRIANA WOLFSMITH - Why don't you invite that big-breasted Christian over for a drink?


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