Friday, April 8, 2011

Real Housewives of New York Episode 1 - "Grin and Bare It"

Ramona Singer gives "tips" to young job candidates. Three have since killed themselves. Photo -

At a fancy French restaurant, called "Coochay" or something...

SONJA MORGAN - My dress will come off if you just snap the tie back here. 

BRIAN - That's ok. I thought we were meeting here to talk about my art. 

SONJA MORGAN - If I wanted to talk about your art, I would have taken you to Johnny Rocket's. 

BRIAN - So, in short, if I want anything to happen with my art career, I have to have sleep with you?


BRIAN - And you think that's ethical. 


BRIAN - Is it because I wore low-rise jeans once? So you think I was asking for it? 

SONJA MORGAN - You betcha. 


THE COUNTESS LU ANN DE LE SEPPS - Well, this is sufficiently awkward. Can we talk about pubes to clear the air? 

SONJA MORGAN - If French Ross Gellar over here thinks that's ok


SONJA MORGAN - Let the pube-talk commence.

 At Jennifer's wedding, whoever the fuck Jennifer is...

RAMONA SINGER - So then I said, Howie, you have the ugliest mouth I've ever seen! How can you disrespect a dead man by putting his cigar in there?

MARIO SINGER - **spotting Howie and his GF coming up behind her** You might want to ix-nay on the Owie-hay alk-tay.

RAMONA SINGER - Huh? You know I don't speak Italian, Mario. So, he got all fucking pissy, just because I said his mouth is hideous and makes me want to vomit all over the -

HOWIE BARSHOP'S GIRLFRIEND - **overhearing** ... Well, I never!  **stomps off dramatically**

RAMONA SINGER - What? What'd I say? The guy's got an ugly mouth. Big deal.

MARIO SINGER - I'm wondering if you should start to censor yourself a little bit...

RAMONA SINGER - Are you kidding? Nuggets of sound bite gold don't come from censoring. Remember Turtle Time?

MARIO SINGER - Yes, yes, who could ever forget Turtle Time,  but the New York Times just ran a story about a recent college grad named Tunisia who jumped off the Williamsburg Bridge after you told her she had bad skin and Midwest clothes in an interview.

RAMONA SINGER - So? I was being honest! Those tips will really help her down the road!

MARIO SINGER  - But she's dead now.

RAMONA SINGER - What, you don't think they have job interviews in heaven?

Still at Jennifer's wedding, whoever the fuck Jennifer is...

JILL ZARIN -  I've changed, ladies. Now, I only say judgemental things about people out of earshot or in my slam book.

OLD RICH CHICK #1  -  Bravo. Can we address the ivory dress your friend is wearing?  


OLD RICH CHICK #2 - You have changed. A year ago you would have shouted that loud enough so a passed out Billy Joel would hear it from Sagaponack.

JILL ZARIN - Who does she think she is, speaking to people when she's from Brooklyn?

OLD RICH CHICK #1 - She should be serving this food, not eating it.

JILL ZARIN - Good Brooklyn joke!  You go, Old Rich Chick #1!

OLD RICH CHICK #1 - What'd you call me?

JILL ZARIN - **to herself** Shit, Jill, only in your slam book. Only in your slam book.

At a chic gallery opening...

CINDY BARSHOP - Meet my babies, who I brought to a chic gallery opening.


JILL ZARIN - Yeah, real cute. Who's their daddy?

CINDY BARSHOP - Well, that's kind of a long story.

JILL ZARIN -  A sperm donor. Got it. You use a surrogate?


JILL ZARIN - Uh huh, totally used a surrogate. Is your vagina younger-looking than mine?

CINDY BARSHOP -  I've never seen your vagina, so -

 JILL ZARIN - Cut the crap, Bangs. You think you're better than me because you have babies? You're not. You're a vajazzler, and I run New York's fabric scene. I'M UP HERE, AND YOU'RE DOWN THERE, DAMN IT!!!!

KELLY KILLOREN BENSIMON - Jill, that's my line.

 JILL ZARIN - Sorry, couldn't resist. You should really copyright that shit.

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