Friday, April 15, 2011

Real Housewives of New York City Episode 2 - "March Madness"

Quick, we need an excuse to wear our wedding dresses again. Photo -

 At Sonja Morgan & Artist Brian's party...

ALEX MCCORD - Where's the mouth gag ball and the ceiling-mounted sex swing?

SONJA MORGAN - What?! Alex, this is a classy party, where we all stand in silent reverence before a painting of me with a hint of my vagina showing.

ALEX MCCORD - But I wore my special S & M dress. "I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at - "

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESEPPS -Dear, what in the name of Jill Zarin are you wearing?? Are those... paper clips?

ALEX MCCORD - Yes. I sewed them on myself.

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESEPPS - It's very bad manners to wear sadomasochism clothes to an unveiling of a painting with a hint of vagina showing. It's all in my book, "Class with the Countess."

ALEX MCCORD - But this is an event at Sonja Morgan's house... I just assumed sex would me a main focus...

SONJA MORGAN - No, no, I never discuss sex on the first Saturday of the month. That's just tacky!

THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESEPPS - Indeed, dear. You have a lot to learn before you become one of us.

ALEX MCCORD - **steps outside to call Simon** Honey? I was wrong about the party. Have the punishment cane ready. And wear your glitter rainbow coat.

At Cindy Barshop's downtown "rock n' roll" apartment...

CINDY BARSHOP - Let's go on vacation, just you and me. Brother and sister. Alone.

HOWIE BARSHOP - What about Carol?

CINDY BARSHOP - She smells too much like pastrami.

HOWIE BARSHOP - True. What about the twins you paid so much to conceive?

CINDY BARSHOP - They smell too much like feces. No thanks.

HOWIE BARSHOP - So I guess the nannies won't be coming.

CINDY BARSHOP - They just smell in general.

HOWIE BARSHOP - Could be because you never let them shower...

CINDY BARSHOP - They're on the clock. They can deal with personal hygiene on their own time, which is half an hour on Sundays.

HOWIE BARSHOP - Fine, let's go on a trip together. But no trying to get into the bath tub with me, like you did in 2006.

CINDY BARSHOP - Deal. Now let me wax you.

HOWIE BARSHOP - Oh man, do we have to? My skin's still irritated from last time...

CINDY BARSHOP  - Spread 'em!


At church on Christmas...

SONJA MORGAN - Thank you all for supporting me on my big day!

ALEX MCCORD - Your big day?  It's Christmas.

SONJA MORGAN  - Yep. God called and said "Hey, girl, you're an icon in the Christian community, wanna be the grand marshal of today?" And I was all "Ok, sounds good, God."

SIMON VAN KEMPEN - How can that be? It's Jesus's birthday.

SONJA MORGAN - Yeah, well, fuck that guy. Oh, it's time for my speech.

SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Shouldn't a priest or something be making a speech?

SONJA MORGAN - Nope. I have an exclusive agreement with the big guy that I'd be the only human speaking today. Now get out of my ear, you big Aussie lug. 

SIMON VAN KEMPEN - But today's about the cause. The cause!  

SONJA MORGAN - I SAID GET OUT OF MY EAR! I swear, you're worse than John Travolta.

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