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| Quick, we need an excuse to wear our wedding dresses again. Photo - Bravotv.com |
At Sonja Morgan & Artist Brian's party...
ALEX MCCORD - Where's the mouth gag ball and the ceiling-mounted sex swing?
SONJA MORGAN - What?! Alex, this is a classy party, where we all stand in silent reverence before a painting of me with a hint of my vagina showing.
ALEX MCCORD - But I wore my special S & M dress. "I may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at - "
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESEPPS -Dear, what in the name of Jill Zarin are you wearing?? Are those... paper clips?
ALEX MCCORD - Yes. I sewed them on myself.
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESEPPS - It's very bad manners to wear sadomasochism clothes to an unveiling of a painting with a hint of vagina showing. It's all in my book, "Class with the Countess."
ALEX MCCORD - But this is an event at Sonja Morgan's house... I just assumed sex would me a main focus...
SONJA MORGAN - No, no, I never discuss sex on the first Saturday of the month. That's just tacky!
THE COUNTESS LUANN DE LESEPPS - Indeed, dear. You have a lot to learn before you become one of us.
ALEX MCCORD - **steps outside to call Simon** Honey? I was wrong about the party. Have the punishment cane ready. And wear your glitter rainbow coat.
At Cindy Barshop's downtown "rock n' roll" apartment...
CINDY BARSHOP - Let's go on vacation, just you and me. Brother and sister. Alone.
HOWIE BARSHOP - What about Carol?
CINDY BARSHOP - She smells too much like pastrami.
HOWIE BARSHOP - True. What about the twins you paid so much to conceive?
CINDY BARSHOP - They smell too much like feces. No thanks.
HOWIE BARSHOP - So I guess the nannies won't be coming.
CINDY BARSHOP - They just smell in general.
HOWIE BARSHOP - Could be because you never let them shower...
CINDY BARSHOP - They're on the clock. They can deal with personal hygiene on their own time, which is half an hour on Sundays.
HOWIE BARSHOP - Fine, let's go on a trip together. But no trying to get into the bath tub with me, like you did in 2006.
CINDY BARSHOP - Deal. Now let me wax you.
HOWIE BARSHOP - Oh man, do we have to? My skin's still irritated from last time...
CINDY BARSHOP - Spread 'em!
HOWIE BARSHOP - Ok, ok.
At church on Christmas...
SONJA MORGAN - Thank you all for supporting me on my big day!
ALEX MCCORD - Your big day? It's Christmas.
SONJA MORGAN - Yep. God called and said "Hey, girl, you're an icon in the Christian community, wanna be the grand marshal of today?" And I was all "Ok, sounds good, God."
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - How can that be? It's Jesus's birthday.
SONJA MORGAN - Yeah, well, fuck that guy. Oh, it's time for my speech.
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - Shouldn't a priest or something be making a speech?
SONJA MORGAN - Nope. I have an exclusive agreement with the big guy that I'd be the only human speaking today. Now get out of my ear, you big Aussie lug.
SIMON VAN KEMPEN - But today's about the cause. The cause!
SONJA MORGAN - I SAID GET OUT OF MY EAR! I swear, you're worse than John Travolta.
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