Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Hills - Episode 3

Scene I

JUSTIN BOBBY: Check out my new stomach tat, babe.

KRISTIN: Can't. I'm looking at my reflection in my beach house's huge windows.

JUSTINO BOBBIA: It says "Italy". In Italian. 'Cause my grandma did it with a guy who lived there once.

KRISTIN: Uh huh.

JUSTIN BOBBY: Want to frolic in the waves with me?

KRISTIN: (to a producer) Seriously, let's up the ante to fifty grand per second his greasy flesh touches mine. Or I walk.

Scene II

STACY THE BARTENDER: Do you ever think it's weird that we're friends?

KRISTIN: Yeah. I mean, you have brown hair. Gross.

STACY THE BARTENDER: But it's more weird because I used to be a strange bartender at a strange bar who almost destroyed the Speidi empire, and within months, we're besties and I'm living in your fabulous beach house with huge windows.

KRISTIN: I'm not too choosy about who I let into my life. Or my vagina, for that matter. Remember Talan?

PRODUCER: We actually gave you a Juicy track suit every time he touched you on Laguna.

KRISTIN: Shit, I forgot. Stacy The Bartender, let's just say we'll both be compensated well for our makeshift friendship. Me better than you, of course. That whole brown hair thing.

Scene III

STEPHANIE PRATT: Duuuuuuude.... looooooook..... aaaaat...... myyyyyyy.... naaaaiiiilllls....

AUDRINA: Uggggghhhhhhh.....

STEPHANIE PRATT: Yooooouuuuu.... soooooooo.... stiiiilllll..... heeaaart..... Juuuuuuustin....

AUDRINA: Yeeeeaaaaaaah.....

MANICURIST: I just came to this country, and I have a better grasp of the language than you two idiots.

STEPHANIE PRATT: OoooMmmmmGggg.... It's sooooooooo truuuuuuuue.

Scene IV

BRODY: A surprise party! With a slip n' slide! This is so great! Well.... gotta go!

JAYDE: B-but, I worked so hard to put together this party for you. I even made a quiche!

BRODY: Right. But my ex-girlfriend from four years ago bought me sex gifts. Soooo... I'm going to go to her beach house. She's got these huge ass windows.

Scene V

SPENCER: Damn it, here comes that weird actor kid again.


SPENCER: Doiy. He was in Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events.

STICKY C: Oh yeah! I knew I knew him from somewhere. So is your wife still poking holes in your condoms?

SPENCER: You'd know if the watched The View last week. I don't get it, dude. Most girls want to keep their tight, sexy bodies (editor's note: vaginas) as long as possible.

STICKY C: Tough break. How long should we leave that kid out in the tall grass for?

SPENCER: Until we hear the coyotes howling. Then I'll send Heidi to look for him.

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