The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 3

Dollywood is like Disney World, only shittier.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 2

Cross-promotion makes me horny.

The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard - Episode 1

Cinderella was destitute and a bad dresser, you idiot.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 4 - "Drowning Pool"

Melissa Gorga is a good woman because she puts towels on kids.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 3 - "Third Eye Blind"

Third eye blind.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 2 - "Poker Face"

This one's for Lebanon, bitch.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 1 - "High Tide, Low Blow"

Juicy Joe smells a rat.

Dance Moms Episode 13 - "Abbygeddon"

Dance Moms Episode 12 - "Waiting for Joffrey"

Dance Moms Episode 11 - "Melissa Pleads the Fifth"

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes Episode 8 - "On the Wings of Love"

This is the most power CT and Diem will ever have in their sad lives.

Dance Moms, Episode 10 - "Miami Heat Wave"

Nia forgives and forgets.

The Bachelor, Ben Flajink - The Final Rose Finale

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes Episode 7 - "Love and Marriage"

Dance Moms Episode 9 - "Topless Showgirls"

You can leave your fan on.

The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik - "The Women Tell All"

One of the ones who got away. Thankfully.

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes Episode 6 - "Tainted Love"

It's not cheating until the body shots start.

Dance Moms Episode 8 - "The Runaway Mom"

Cathy brings shame on the great state of Ohio.

The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik - Episode 9

The creature from the film "Splice" visits Switzerland!

The Challenge: Battle of the Exes, Episode 5 - "Crazy in Love"

Important life decisions are best made drunk.