The Real World Las Vegas Episode 4 - "Three Hookups and a Breakup"

Nany and Adam have a romantic lunch at a restaurant inside of a casino.

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 3 - "Stands By Me"

Two cast members "play pool", as the kids are calling it nowadays.

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 3 - "A New Lease on Life"

If the RHOC camera men had to pick their favorite episode to film, it would be this one. Because Jim and Alexis gave them free toast in La Jolla.

Kourtney & Kim Take New York Episode 8 - "A Dash of Respect"

Scott Disick poses for Men's Ass, the second-most jerked-off to porno mag in Lower Manhattan.

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 2 - "Bottles, Bromance and Broken Hearts"

Adam and Mike reenact a scene from "Frat Pad".

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 4 - "Waterfront & Center"

Sometimes you're just so in love that you have to get married this very second. Or, the groom's visa is about to expire.

The Bachelor Finale

Brad Womack owns bars and breaks hearts.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Straight Expectations"

Contrary to the belief of anyone who's ever met him, Marco is not gay.

The Real World Las Vegas Episode 1 - "Welcome to Las Vegas"

After fancy limo rides from McCarran Airport, the cast is taken to their new digs at... Circus Circus.

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 3 - "Optical Delusion"

Adriana yells at an artist for being slow at art.

The Bachelor Episode 10 - "The Women Tell All"

This person is a bartender, and a huge asshole.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 6 - "Dream a Little Dream"

THE DREAM  - Sing for me, baby. Show the world that you're famous for more than a massive vagina.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Ok, here goes nothing. Hope I can compare to the other singing Kim, Ms. Zolciak. **talking**

I'm going out tonight.
And I'm gonna work like I'm paying my bills.

THE DREAM - Yes! AMAZING!

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 1 - "Amped Blondes and Evil Eyes"

TAMRA BARNEY - Hey, girls. I'm so glad you could take time out of your busy pedicure schedules to try on ugly clothes with pictures on them at my boyfriend's house.

ALEXIS BELLINO - It's been difficult to find time for much of anything, now that one of my nannies was deported. I only went to Big Fat Juicy Booty Boot Camp twice this week.

FERNANDA - Your absence was definitely felt. By me. Because I'm a lesbian.

TAMRA BARNEY - Uh oh, I'm getting fake-lesbian jealous, Fernanda.

Jersey Shore Episode 23 - "A Cheesy Situation"

Sammi might not be smart, or kind, or funny, but she sure knows how to wear black bras with outfits that display them.

RONNIE - Wow, Sammi. You look really beautiful in that blue dress.

SAMMI - Thanks.

RONNIE - Mind if I follow you around the bar?

SAMMI - Yes. Yes, I do.

RONNIE - Well, then, fuck you and your visible black bra. Christ, haven't you ever heard of a convertible bandeau?

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 2 - "Black Ball'd"

Rich people with limp wrists eating food.

CRISTY RICE - Hey, it's me, Cristy Rice, former wife of former Los Angeles Clippers star Glen Rice. I'm here to drink for free and make sure Joe Francis sees my butt.

LEA BLACK - Well, I'm here to raise money for the starving children of Hialeah.

ALEXIA ECHEVARRIA - Who probably read Venue magazine. Or wish they could.

LEA BLACK - And you, Miss Rice, have done those children a great disservice by not paying the $25 entrance free to this event.

The Bachelor Episode 9

On Chantal's date...

BRAD WOMACK - Wanna fuck on a piece of wood suspended above ferocious wildlife?

CHANTAL O. - Man. I should've been around for Mesnick's season. At least his fantasy dates included walls.

BRAD WOMACK - Chris Harrison would be very upset to hear you say that. He planned this.

CHANTAL - Really? I didn't realize he actually did stuff.

BRAD WOMACK - He doesn't. We just put his name on the card to make him feel included.

Kim & Kourtney Take New York Episode 7 - "Down and Out in New York City"





KIM KARDASHIAN - Shhhh! Did you hear that?

SHENGO - Sounds like a wallaby shagging an unwilling koala.

KIM KARDASHIAN - YES! That's exactly what it sounds like!

SHENGO - If there's one thing that sparks my auditory recognition,  it's Australian animal rape.

KIM KARDASHIAN - You are an amazing human being.

Jersey Shore - "Kissing Cousins"

SNOOKI - Cabbie? I'm frightened. I haven't seen a strip mall or a Buffalo Wild Wings for twenty minutes. 

DEENA - We're not going to the city, are we? I don't think I can handle another night in Newark. 

CABBIE - That's what you people consider "the city"? Silly guidettes. We're going to New York. 

SNOOKI & DEENA - NEW YORK CITY!?!?! 

CABBIE - Pace Picante commercial impressions? So 1997. Grow up.

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 1 - "Paradise Cost"

Cristy Rice is about two things - being an ex-wife to former NBA player Glen Rice, and wearin' lots of bracelets.

LEA BLACK - Welcome to my airplane hangar. I'd like to treat you all to a lavish meal of lettuce and some other green vegetable.

MARYSOL PATTON - Avocados?

LARSA PIPPEN - Look at Career Girl over here, spouting off about vegetables.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Oooh, somebody a little jealous?

LARSA PIPPEN - Jealous? Cleveland fans chant my husband's name at Lebron James to let him know he's second best. I don't get jealous.

The Bachelor Episode 9 - Hometown Dates

Mr. Ashley H. will cut a bitch if he fucks with his daughter's dental dreams.

In Seattle...

CHANTAL'S DAD - Hi, Brad. In case you couldn't tell from my massive house and hot wife, I'm rich. Here's a statue that suggests I'm a self-made man. You see, here in the United States, it's difficult for a white man to make something of himself.

BRAD WOMACK - Tell me about it.

CHANTAL'S DAD - Ok. Back in 1987, an eccentric Toyota baron took a chance on a mason's son with a crewcut. And that mason's son with a crewcut... was me.

CHANTAL'S MOM - **enters the room naked** Hi, I'm Chantal's mom. But just for fun, pretend I'm not.

BRAD WOMACK - Whoa.

CHANTAL O. - Really, mom? Again?