Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Season 14, Episode 2 - "Not So Happy Housewarming"

kelly dodd daughter jolie

Kelly visits her dermatologist boyfriend at his office...

KELLY DODD - And then, I posted an emoji of a pig pretending it was her. Basically, it was a "sick burn".

DR. BRIAN REAGAN - **whispers to himself** C'mon, man, it's worth it. You can do this.

KELLY DODD - What's worth it?

DR. BRIAN REAGAN - Loving you! Duh! Hey, can we use Jolie as a spokesmodel for having zits and divorced parents?

KELLY DODD - Well, she does have both of those things. And she performed in a play once.

DR. BRIAN REAGAN - Perfect. Can the Bravo cameras film her using it?

KELLY DODD - I can probably arrange that...

DR. BRIAN REAGAN - Great. Oh, look, my next client is here for an ass-fat-in-her-temple procedure. Byeeeee!

Kelly approaches Jolie about being the zit-and-divorced-parents-having spokesperson...

KELLY DODD - So, what do you say?

JOLIE, KELLY'S DAUGHTER - Are you fucking kidding me?

KELLY DODD - Jolie, your language choices are frighteningly similar to my own. I'm proud.

JOLIE - First, I have to deal with people calling you a raging coke whore, and now you want me to show close-ups of my blackheads on instagram.

KELLY DODD - But he's my boyfriend, and I should help him. I didn't help Michael Avenatti, and look what happened to him.

JOLIE - Hello, he only wants to promote his business on your show. Shannon's knife-free facelift just looks like she bought tighter ponytail holders.

KELLY DODD - You're really making me think. And I don't like to do that.

Emily throws a birthday party for Shane's parents...

EMILY SIMPSON  - Let's facetime Daddy, everybody!

**sounds of silverware scraping plates**

 EMILY SIMPSON  - Love the enthusiasm. **calls Shane, no answer** Shane, pick up. We want to show you on camera against your will.

SHANE SIMPSON - **answers** What the fuck do you want?

EMILY SIMPSON  - You're missing the celebration with the family.

SHANE SIMPSON - Oh, sorry, I'm busy studying for the BAR which both you and my sister passed on the first try so I don't look like an emasculated IDIOT.

EMILY SIMPSON  - You're right. I'm sorry. **hangs up**

PARY, SHANE'S MOM - I know he's my son, but dude's a huge dick.

SHANE'S DAD - And not even good-looking.

SHANE'S SISTER - He sometimes smells weird.

EMILY SIMPSON  - HA! If I didn't know better, I'd think you all were serious about Shane sucking complete balls.

**sounds of silverware scraping plates**

At Tamra's housewarming party...

GINA KIRSCHENHEITER - Loving the house. Very Cape Cod.

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Or even Massachusetts!


TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - I've truly arrived, ladies. Coto de Caza, home of a restaurant called Gentile's but everyone pretends it's pronounced Jentillies.

RYAN VIETH, TAMRA'S SON - I prefer gentiles in all situations. TRUMP! TRUMP!

KELLY DODD - ** to Braunwyn** Can I tell you something? As a mother of seven, I feel like I can trust you.

BRAUNWYN WINDHAM-BURKE - But trust is how I became a mother of seven. Trojan, I want my money back! HA!

SEAN BURKE, BRAUNWYN'S HUSBAND - Honey, say Magnum when you tell that joke.


KELLY DODD -  My secret is that I hate this woman who's coming today. She said I do cocaine, and I said in certain lights she resembles a pig.

KELLY DODD - Sounds like one of my mom's bad trips at Burning Man.


KELLY DODD -  Ugh, she's here. I'm going to hide by the bar that everyone at this party will need to go to at some point.

EMILY SIMPSON  - Not Shane! He's Mormon.

SHANNON BEADOR - Nobody cares, Emily.

Vicki corners Kelly at the housewarming party...

VICKI GUNVALSON -  We need to talk.

KELLY DODD - I don't want to talk to you. I only want love and light in my life, like the kind I get from a dermatologist who's using my daughter for zit cream promotion.

VICKI GUNVALSON - You owe it to me to at least talk. You called me a pig.

KELLY DODD - Well, pretend I'm Muslim and stay away.

RYAN VIETH, TAMRA'S SON - Muslim? I'll be staying away. TRUMP! TRUMP!

TAMRA BARNEY JUDGE - Maybe take the loud Trump chanting down a notch.


**to be continued**

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