Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Dance Moms, Episode 4 - "No One Likes a Bully"

This vest makes it clear why Maddie was cast as the bullying victim.

At the studio...

 ABBY LEE MILLER - Well, Brooke's dead.

**girls cry**

ABBY LEE MILLER - Kidding. But she might as well be, being a cheerleader. We brought a 22-year-old Pitt student to replace her.

LESLIE, PEYTON'S MOM - Excuse me! Peyton is only 14. She just happens to take after her paternal grandfather, who was the Yao Ming of the Steel Valley.

PEYTON - And just like Papa Skala, I'm going to dominate over everybody and make them feel like shit.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Aw FUCK naw, you dih-int. Abby Lee hates nothing more than a big ego.

MADDIE - Except Philip Seymour Hoffman.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Don't get me started on that fucker. Nia, you're going to play a bully in our pro-bullying routine, because you are different from everybody else.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - I object! I'm tired of Nia being type-cast because she's black.

ABBY LEE MILLER - It's not because she's black. It's because she's kind of dumb.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Oh. Ok then.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Maddie is going to play the victim, because she is so perfect and beautiful and talented and this is the only way she'll ever know how it feels.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Oh sure. Maddie gets to be the victim. What the fuck else is new?

ABBY LEE MILLER - I figured you probably got enough bullying as a teen to project on Chloe til she's thirty.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Forty, at the very least.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Alright, time to head to St. Louis, which has also had its fair share of bullying from its neighbor to the northeast.

KELLY, PAIGE'S MOM - It's true, Chicago is far better.

ABBY LEE MILLER -  No, I meant Peoria. Dumbass.

They go to Fame n' Stuff Hollywood Competition in East St. Louis...

ABBY LEE MILLER - This is the big time, girls. Agents from LA and New York would never set foot in Missouri, but it's a good time to pretend they would.

**Girls practice, run into each other and look like shit**

LESLIE, PEYTON'S MOM  -  Good enough. Now line up back stage. We've only got 60 numbers until it's our turn.

JILL, KENDALL'S MOM - Who died and made you Abby Lee?

LESLIE, PEYTON'S MOM - Abby Lee, with any luck.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - I heard that.

LESLIE, PEYTON'S MOM -  I may be new, but I've bossed enough people around at the American Eagle Outfitters call center to know how to tell idiots what to do. Places!

**On stage, Maddie's pigtails get caught in a floorboard, and she just lays on the ground**

ABBY LEE MILLER - God damn it. If we can't even win in St Louis, we can't win anywhere.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - There's always Des Moines.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Nope. Still not as shitty.

**Kendall, Maddie and Chloe sit at the edge of the stage and lip-sync to "girl talk"**

KENDALL  - "Don't you hate how boys are never goin' downtown?"

MADDIE - "Aw girl, I feel you. You gotta sa-tis-fy me!"

CHLOE - "Honey child, let's dance to convey how much we give, and never receive!"

**girls dance to cunnilingus-themed routine**

ANNOUNCER -  I'd like to announce that neither the pigtails in the floorboard number or the cunnilingus routine placed.


ANNOUNCER  - That's what you snobs get for your snide comments about St. Louis, which I heard through the microphones we placed in your dressing room. Cameras, too, actually. **winks at children**

ABBY LEE MILLER - Uncool, dude. Way uncool.

ANNOUNCER - Yep. For your information, our city was the birthplace of Kevin Kline, who hasn't been back since he left for Hollywood, but whatever. We also hosted the Worlds Fair in 1904! And American Idol try-outs came here once!

ABBY LEE MILLER -  That's all you got?

ANNOUNCER - Yeah. Pretty much.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Well, thanks for nothing. We're headed back to Pittsburgh, where old is pronounced "ode."

LESLIE, PEYTON'S MOM - What a terrible experience. Peyton needs a new studio.

ABBY LEE MILLER - What Peyton needs is to to lay off the growth hormones.



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